interlude:sani
It’s been awhile since I’ve done this - frankly, I’m scared I’ve lost the touch. It’s been almost a year since I’ve ‘officially’ posted on this site. It feels daunting to jump back into something - especially something that gave me such a sense of purpose. I feel excited - like rediscovering an old trinket or memory, reexamining it all with new eyes. To be candid, this past year has been filled with so much change. Most times, it has felt like an overwhelming wave of change that I haven’t been able to handle. I have cried more this past year than I have in recent memory. I’ve lost people in my life I never thought I would, dealing with the reality that decisions have repercussions and consequences. I have also experienced some of the safest and secure joy I have ever felt. There have been so many emotions that I’ve felt it hard to come back to my practice of writing - of stillness - of observing the world around me because I’ve felt as if the world was consuming me. I’m excited to restart my love of writing, of exploring, of feeling it all - which brings me back to why I wanted to start this digital space for myself in the first place.
As I reflect on the last year and we head into a fresh start I realize that more than anything this year, I’ve felt love. Love from those around me as I’ve navigated so much newness into my life and really helped me try to usher in a new chapter. As I try to maintain and continue to cultivate a sense of self this year, it’s been most interesting to unravel and investigate why I’ve felt so deeply and so attached to people and things.
This past year, I found that the best thing to be able to move on from experiences is to understand that those that have had such a deep, complex and lasting effect on us in this lifetime surely have not passed us in lifetimes past and will not pass us in lifetimes to come. Those that we feel bound to and create such a deeper sense of meaning for us. Like they opened a cavern that could never be filled by anything else - it is deeply personal to them and their effect on us. It’s hard for me to detach. I feel a sense of attachment, strongly. What gives me enough solace to let go is to know that they will be with me again - in some way - in lifetimes to come. In this lifetime we may end up being friends but in past or future we could be parent-child, or classmate, or cousin, or perhaps in the next lifetime we’re able to work it all out - something we just couldn’t figure out in this lifetime - but maybe it all just works out the next go around. It is hard letting go of the familiar, to let yourself waver and quiver in the unknown - like a baby giraffe trying to find its legs to walk for the first time. We’re all layered and deeply complicated - we all work on a timeline that continues to get more messy and intertwined as we gain more experiences, as we age. Nothing is black and white anymore; feelings are messy; relationships feel gray - not cut and dry and ‘easy to fit in’ like they used to earlier in life. We’ve all gathered our baggage of memories - of people, of experiences, of inspiration, of life force - and we create new layers with new people as we age. It’s like this beautiful collage, layered upon each other in ways you never thought imaginable - like a watercolor being layered and layered until you create something you never even knew was possible. Though I trust that everything happens for a reason, it’s hard to trust the process. The process is tears, it’s pain, it’s doubt, it can feel extreme, it can very much feel very deep, it is consuming. By going through it you add on new layers to yourself while shedding layers you had put on before only to realize you’ve gained something even more interesting.
The year of Saturn's return occurs every 27-29 years in a person’s life when Saturn returns to the degree (and sign) that occurred when you were born. An average person will go through three cycles of Saturn returning during their lifetime - it’s said that the first marks the transition from childhood to adulthood, the second brings maturity, and the third brings wisdom. It is clear I left behind youth to enter this new phase of life and adulthood. The past year has brought about so much change that I have never felt more unstable. As I get used to the changes that occurred I know that they have been for the positive. This time period is known to redefine your path, and lead you to your deepest values and more authentic desires - which is what has led me back to writing, and feeling, and tapping into my well of emotions for the new year. This journey brings me so much joy and I’m thrilled to continue to share it all. All the love and happiness.
